Original Posting:
As you might know, we are marriage advocates. We love writing about how to improve relationships and how to solve problems in marriages. We support marriage as an institution. We understand that everybody has the right to love and be loved. We see the potential in many, many relationships. Now, why would we be writing about abuse?
There is a thin line that once it's been crossed, it can become very faint. That line is called abuse. There are several types of abuse: Sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and psychological abuse, or any combination of any of these. Neglect can be abuse as well. Abuse is never ok. There is no excuse for abuse. Abuse does not only happen from men to women, it can also happen from women to men, from men to men, and from women to women. Although abuse is reported mainly by women, men often live abuse in their own silent reality. Men are encouraged to report abuse sadly, there is a macho pride that often keeps men from reporting abuse.
One of our readers asked us to write about this subject because sometimes it's hard to recognize if you are in an abusive relationship. Let's first learn why abuse happens.
The goal of an abuser is CONTROL. Something very important to learn is that you can not control anybody but yourself. That is also a very empowering statement.You have full control over your acts. Over your feelings, and even over your thoughts. We allow ourselves to loose that power by feeling offended, by feeling hurt, by feeling that someone else can control your life. Nobody has power or control over your life unless you surrender that power. Abuse happens when someone tries to take control through fear. Let's take a look at sexual abuse. Rape is never about sex, it is about power. It is about forcing an act upon someone who is not a willing participant.Child abuse (I consider this the most horrible type of abuse) is about taking full control over someone so frail and helpless that can't do anything about it. Let's take a look at every single type of abuse so we can understand better how it happens and how to recognize it if it happens.
Physical abuse is often the most easily recognized form of abuse. Physical abuse can be any kind of hitting, shaking, burning, pinching, biting, choking, throwing, beating, and other actions that cause physical injury, leave marks, or cause pain.
Sexual abuse is any type of unwelcome sexual contact, or if one person overpowers another, regardless of age. If a family member sexually abuses another family member, this is called incest. Rape can also occur in married couples. Remember NO MEANS NO. If you said no, and the other person didn't care and was sexually aggressive, it was rape. There was a case in which a dating couple went out, and things started to get steamy. They took off their clothes and when he was about to penetrate her she asked him to stop. He was very into it so he didn't care and still had sex with her. Was she raped? You bet she was. Again, NO means NO!
Emotional/Verbal abuse This type of abuse can be the most difficult to identify because there are usually no outward signs of the abuse. Emotional abuse happens when yelling and anger go too far or when parents constantly criticize, threaten, or dismiss kids or teens until their self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged. Emotional abuse can hurt and cause damage just as physical abuse does. In a marriage this can happen more than often, since it's not physical, many people think it is ok. Calling each other names, insulting each other, or just bringing the person down can be classified as emotional abuse. Remember that our partner has a heart. Following the golden rule will help us to stay away from this type of abuse: "Do not do anything to your partner that you would not like done to you." Or, "Treat your partner as you would like to be treated."
Neglect is difficult to identify and define. Neglect occurs when a child or teen doesn't have adequate food, housing, clothes, medical care, or supervision. Emotional neglect happens when a parent doesn't provide enough emotional support or deliberately and consistently pays very little or no attention to a child. This doesn't mean that a parent doesn't give a kid something he or she wants, like a new computer or a cell phone, but refers to more basic needs like food, shelter, and love. In a relationship neglect can happen so easy. Ignoring out partner needs, under-appreciating what our partner does for us is neglect. Sometimes neglect can lead to divorce, cheating, and even escalate to physical abuse. The best way to take a double look at out relationship is thinking what would I do if I didn't have this lovely person by my side. Also, if you think you are being neglected, the best way to address this and any other issue is through clear communication. Neglect is more emotional than it is material. Nevertheless, if there is a lack of the basic necessities, and the person knows it and consciously ignore those needs, it is consider neglect. By no means I want you to think that because your husband bought you a Rue21 purse instead of a Prada it could be neglect, that is just material. But open your eyes, appreciate the hard work your partner does, the lovely food he or she cooks, how good he or she looks, and remember, an I LOVE YOU always has a place in a conversation.
If you or someone you know is being a victim of any kind of abuse, there is help. Abuse is never ok. Call the non-emergency line for the police department and they will be able to appoint you to a victims advocate. There is a lot of help. And you are NEVER alone.
Last but not least, abuse happens in a cycle:
Phase 1: Tension increases, breakdown of communication. Victim becomes fearful.
Phase 2: Incident occurs. Verbal, emotional, physical, sexual abuse. Anger, blaming, arguing happen. Treats and intimidation towards the victim.
Phase 3: Reconciliation between the abuser and the victim. Abuser apologizes, gives excuses, blames the victim. Sometimes the abuser denies that the claims the victim has are not true o accuses the victim of exaggerating the facts.
Phase 4: Honeymoon. Abuser brings flowers, promises not to do it ever again. Takes the victims on a few dates. Abuser tries to make it up to the victim, until PHASE 1 occurs again....
We as a couple, as writers of this blog, are all up for saving marriages, for HEALTHY relationships, and for fighting for love. But only those relationships that are worth saving. Abuse between partners does not only affect the marriage but also the family in general, especially when kids are involved. Violence in the presence of a child is a crime, and a life marking experience. Help is always available. Here are some resources we found and recommend if you or anybody you know is being abused.
1. Your local police department. They MUST always be #1.
2. http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.htm
3. Local Domestic violence shelters.
It is very important to have a safe plan. What am I going to do if this happens again? Where am I going to go to keep my children and myself safe? Who am I going to tell about this? And always have some money saved as part of the plan, just in case it happens again. And the most important thing is that if it happen once, chances of it happening again are extremely high. We will be posting another blog about methods to control anger. Cues to know when anger is escalating and tips to help you control the anger before it becomes aggression. Keep on keeping on!
Love your partner as the treasure he or she really is. Treat him or her as you would like to be treated yourself. If there is a difference, talk about it. Communication is the key.
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