Safety Plan. Do you know what to do if you are in danger?

Original Posting:
http://best-marriage-tips-dv.blogspot.com/2013/06/safety-plan-do-you-know-what-to-do-if.html

 We prepared this blog  for all of you so you can be prepared and even help other people. This can be for children, teenagers, adults, and even elderly people who are victims of any kind of abuse and need to know how to get out of it and break the cycle. We will talk a little about some issues that may seem like a wall when trying to leave an abusive relationship. Being prepared can save your life and the lives of the ones you love.

I will expose some questions that frequently come up at the time of preparing an emergency plan. I will answer all of them at the end of the blog.

 Some of the things that make abuse victims stay is that they may be dependent of the aggressor. A victim can become dependent in many ways:
- Financially
- Emotionally
- Psychologically
- Lack of resources
- Have children in common


Here is an example of how dependability works. I am not comparing the situation with anybody else's. This is a sad reality that happens everyday in the streets.  This is a very clear example of how the pimps make their prostitutes so dependent. The PIMPS will try to get prostitutes to work for them. At the beginning they will provide them with clothes, jewelry, and anything else they want, including drugs. If the prostitute refuses to use drugs they will insist until the point where the poor prostitute is forced to use. This process in which the prostitute becomes absolutely dependent of her pimp is called "Braking the Bitch." Most girls will stay faithful to that pimp. The fear of leaving him and move elsewhere is out of the question given that the pimp has messed with their minds and has them completely under his control.

The reason why I am sharing this is because aggressors can manipulate our minds if we let them. It is hard to brake through that cycle. This is why victims are also called survivors. They manage to survive and push through. Sadly, not everyone makes it alive; some victims try to leave but their aggressors have become assassins too.

There may be other areas but these ones are the ones that most victims report as the main reason for staying with their aggressor.


Financial dependability: Victims can be both males and females of any age. Abuse is about control and we know that one of the biggest ways an aggressor controls a victim is through money. The aggressors know their bank statement as well as all of us know our own, and most victims know that if they take significant amounts of money out of the bank or the budget it will be obvious and it will cause even more problems. How can I save money in order to be able to go away without my aggressor knowing it?

 Emotional and psychological dependability (fear):  Emotional and psychological dependability are the hardest ones to brake through because it is hard to recognize and it is hard to admit it is happening to ourselves. The aggressors will go through the cycle of abuse over and over again. As victims there is always hope in our hearts that he or she will change, that this won't happen again. But it does happen. The reason we put these two ones together is because they are attached. As psychological abuse grows, our emotional self gets hurt. The worst part of this dependability is that it is created through psychological threats that make us attach ourselves emotionally to this person. Some of the things that create emotional and psychological dependability can be:
- Attach ourselves to memories of better times with the hope of things going back to the way they were..
- The aggressor may make you  feel that you are so important that he or she will kill himself or herself if you decide to leave.
- The aggressor will put the victim down by doing a "reality check" with things such as:
     a) Nobody else will love you the way I love you.
     b) I put up with your stuff! Nobody else will put up with your crap.
     c) I will stay and give it another shot if you want, but a lot of things will change around here. My rules now.
     d) I do this because I love you. I just want you to be a better person. It hurts me more than it hurts you.
     e) I am so sorry, this won't happen again. You know I can be better than this but I need you. I can't do it by myself!
     f) You know that wherever you are I will find you. Why splitting up when you can be here "safe" with me. You don't want anybody else to get hurt, right?

These are some examples of psychological abuse, that at the same time create emotional dependability. It is important to remember that the words may not be the same but the meaning is. These examples will help you identify psychological and emotional abuse and dependability. How can I grow independent in order to detach myself from this cycle?

Lack of resources. I depend on my aggressor to go by. This is actually one of the biggest walls a victim has to break through. Where is safe for me to go? I have no family close and I am traped in here. This can be a hard situation to face, especially if you have kids that you must take with you. How can I find a safe place to go for me or my kids?

We have children in common. I may wait until they grow up to leave, some say. .This can become a big problem. It is not easy to relocate children, but it is not impossible. If you are being victim of abuse and your children are present at the moment it can damage them more than leaving. Children are highly impressionable. Children that come from homes in which domestic abuse happens grow with anxiety, fear, and more than often they can become involved in an abusive relationship themselves in witch they are the aggressors or the victims. Do you want your children to suffer through the cycle? Or would you break that cycle and teach them to have healthy relationships? How can I keep my children safe?


How can I save money in order to be able to go away without my aggressor knowing it?
Solution:  Every paycheck put together small amounts aside. If you want to have a bank account have one that is only at your name. It is also good to ask for help from people you can trust and will not inform your aggressor. Family members, clergy at your church, friends and neighbors. You don't need to explain them everything that is happening if you don't trust them. It is good that if you are not sure if you will get bank statements from your emergency account you have another place to put money away. These savings have the unique purpose to help you get by until you can settle down in a safe place, so you don't want your aggressor to know about them. 
How can I grow independent in order to detach myself from this cycle?
Fist of all you need to remember that once the line of abuse is crossed, it will be crossed again. Abuse is a cycle. The honey-moon stage may confuse you to believe things will get better when the truth is things will not get better unless the aggressor seeks professional help and agrees to marriage counseling. I must say that even then abuse is very likely to happen again.

How can I find a safe place to go for me and  my kids?
Solution: Talk to people you trust such as family members, friends, clergy member, victims advocates, and even neighbors. Talk to them and ask if you may come to their homes in case of an emergency. Educate yourself about shelters for victims and how to get to them. Find a place where your kids can be welcomed at any time. I want to share with you a story that shows how important having a safe place is:
A couple of years ago a mom -who had been suffering abuse for a long time- talked to her kids and they established a secret word. If the kids heard the word they had to go to the neighbor's trailer and stay there and call the cops. One night the dad came back home. He had been drinking. He started beating up his wife, to what she immediately said "apples" (word has been changed to protect identities) the kids ran as fast as they could to the neighbor's trailer. When the fist kid reached the trailer he pulled the other two as fast as he could when he was startled by a shot gun blast. The kids hurry and called the police. The father had killed their mother and was planning on killing all of the kids as well. He had enough bullets for every single one of them. The father had no idea where the kids were. That gave the kids time to call the police. The police was there in a matter of minutes. They were able to stop him, they cuffed him and took him to jail. Mom never knew she would save her kids life by being prepared. Sadly this story is  true.

How can I keep my children safe? 
Solution: As the story above taught us having a specific word that may mean nothing to the aggressor can save lives. This is actually one of the main things that can help you keep your children safe. Having a specific word that means go to your room and lock the door, or call the police, or even go to the neighbor's house. If you have children in common you must make sure that the kids know it is not their fault. You must also understand their wish to see the other parent. Make sure to have the cops with you if you must share custody of the children. File a protective order, that way your aggressor will not be able to come near you. Make sure you inform the school of the situation. For example, if you know that your kids are in danger or the other parent is not supposed to have them; that way the school will do everything they can to protect your children. Make sure your kids have a place to go to in case of emergency, this includes notifying whoever you count on, that way they will be prepared to protect your children and help you in case of emergency.


In conclusion, having a safety plan can help you be protected in case of emergency. Here is a checklist that will help you be ready in case of imminent danger.

• Have a bag ready with clothes for you and your children also keep in that bag:
• Money
• Id's, passports, social security cards, birth certificates and copies of protective orders
• Addresses for shelters or a safe place for you and your children

Remember, if you feel like your life is in danger CALL THE POLICE!
These are guidelines for victims of abuse that can save your life. If you feel like you don't have everything you need but you need to get out of the abusive relationship THERE IS HELP! Contact your local shelters and  churches to get help. Contact victims advocates at the police departments who can help you immediately. You can do it. Trust yourself. You are strong, and you are never alone. You need to speak up.